17 replies to this topic

[Ron Alan]

Runoffs are over, election is over, how about a little humor to end the year with! Lets keep it R but everything/everyone is fair game. Got this one in my email I just have to share...



Monica Lewinsky Update



*After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a
mirror...remembering the time with Bill Clinton.*

*Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.*

*In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if
you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.*

*And just like that, her ears fell off!*

*Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it !*

[LarryKing]

Let me know when we get to the humor part.

[LarryKing]

Just bustin balls.

Here's one:

Knock knock...

[pat slattery]

who art thou is present

[LarryKing]

Mitt Romney...

[Den]

Mitt Romney who?

[LarryKing]

Exactly!

[Den]

[CruzanTom]

10 of Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50chance of getting something right, here's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6 If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Ron Alan]

Let me know when we get to the humor part.

Sorry if that FLEW over your HEAD...

Something closer to home...

Bullwinkle: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat."
Rocky: "A-gain?"
Bullwinkle: "Presto!"
Lion: "ROAR!"
Bullwinkle: "Oops, wrong hat."

Just bustin balls.

Me too...hehe!

[pat slattery]

Knock Knock

[CruzanTom]

Late Night Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• Florida has finally finished counting the votes for president. Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We’re talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time.
• Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a "fiscal cliff." The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was "Forward."

Late Show With David Letterman

• Gas rationing. Welcome to 1974! Here's the only good thing. We don't have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff.
• James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?
• Republicans still will not admit that they underestimated the power of the Hispanic vote. As a matter of fact, Latinos are calling this "Cinco Denio."

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• The CIA director, David Petraeus, resigned. The FBI caught him having an affair with his biographer. Hey general, you work for the CIA, not the TSA.
• There's a double standard here. The head of the CIA gets caught having sex and has to resign. Meanwhile, a British special agent, James Bond, has sex with tons of women and makes $90 million at the box office. Where's the justice?
• No one knows what David Petraeus will do next. All I know is he's in for one awkward Thanksgiving.
• The truth is, many women are attracted to men in power. And powerful men are attracted to women who . . . well, women. So to recap, men are pigs but some of them have cool jobs.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

• The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly.
• Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons.
• Even Mike Tyson was like, "That's a ridiculous tattoo."
• I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't it?

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, “Just tell me one thing — is it General Petraeus?”
• The James Bond movie “Skyfall” came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it "well-made," while David Petraeus is calling it "relatable."

[Ron Alan]

Knock Knock

Whooooo's there?

[Johnny D]

Whooooo's there?

It's Pat.
J~

[LarryKing]

A man joins a monastery where he must take a vow of silence, except on the anniversary of joining when he may utter two words to the head monk.

One year goes by, and the man says to the head monk, "Bed's hard."

The next year he says, "Room's cold."

The third year he says "Food's bad."

On his fourth anniversary the man says, "I'm leaving."

The head monk replies, "Well, that doesn't surprize me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[pat slattery]

Whooooo's there?

1.6 SM

[LarryKing]

I'll play - 1.6 SM who?

[Johnny D]

1.6 SM

Are his jokes like his car???
Slow to come and not that good???
J~