Frustration, maybe a little panic, and certainly some depression sets in
Now, I do this for fun. I am not a pro, not national, and I am not even top in my regional class. Driving on track, racing, Time Trials, and even HPDE, are a release for me. Work life is not fun... I always say that is why they call it "work" and not "play" or "Recess". I put most of my eggs in this basket as a release for myself, mainly because I truly love it so much. But having no light at the end of the tunnel, and dumping money into things that are getting me nowhere but lighter in the bank account...
It reminds me of something Laird Hamilton said once (he is a big wave surfer), I think it might have been that he said it to his wife Gabby Reece (pro volleyball player) and she said it in an interview on the documentary "Riding Giants".
"Imagine if you were a dragon slayer. It was all you knew, all you invested yourself with, and all you loved in the world. But then, all of a sudden, all of the dragons were gone. The feeling of worthlessness, anger, frustration, etc. Doubting yourself, restlessness, etc... It is torture"
Of course, he was talking about when the waves were flat, and he had nothing to do with his time. In my case, there are tracks, and there are events, and I want to be at all of them... But I can't because my tool, my car, is not in operational order at the time.
I spent a better part of the winter working out the best strategy for getting me back on track... not winning... but simply getting me back up and running. I went through thoughts of rebuilding my motor, I went through thoughts of buying a crate, I even went through thoughts of just going forward and buying a full on screamer ITA prepped motor. I decided it would be quickest and easiest and most of all cheapest to get a junkyard motor and plop it on in. Unfortunately, they are usually a crap shoot (better odds of a good one over a bad one, but still). I lost that gamble, but it was not too bad. Turned out I just needed to re-do my head.
So that is what I did... with expectations of getting it back and having it running on Sunday. But here it is Monday, and I am no further than I was in October last year.
The amount of joy I get from being at the track are great. But this moment of being without a car in my near future is killing me. It is absorbing all of my energy and patience. I am obsessing.
I am now considering letting it all go. Is it really worth all of this? For me, and the past 15 years it was.
I am so bummed...